The problem is screens. Or is it?

Before we had kids, among other naive opinions about modern parenting that only non-parents would have, my husband and I thought that screen time had been unfairly depicted as the boogeyman. We both work in technology and have always been enthusiastic adopters of new technologies. We believed then and still believe now that technology has made our lives easier. Technologies such as online banking and online shopping have made mundane day-to-day tasks more efficient. Social media and messaging technologies, despite their flaws, made it easier to stay connected with friends and family even when living on different continents. Music and TV streaming services made entertainment more affordable and accessible. And hardware advances that made smartphones and tablets more affordable have allowed more individuals than ever to reap the benefits of technology.

Our first child shook up our lives - high energy, strong-willed, and extremely extroverted. At that time, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended no screen time for babies, and as first-time parents who wanted to do the best for our baby, we mostly stuck to that - at least until Covid hit. The pandemic disrupted the rhythm of our lives. While we were previously able to manage our child’s boundless energy and social needs with trips to the science center or playground, social distancing meant that we were stuck mostly at home and in our very small backyard. Very quickly, screen time limits were loosened as that was the only way we could get a break from the constant attention that our child was demanding from us.

We noticed early on that our oldest seemed a little crankier and more prone to tantrums. In the midst of the pandemic, it seemed like a fair trade-off. We still made sure that they were spending lots of time engaged in non-screen activities - reading, drawing, dancing, playing pretend, and more. Soon came a second child, and in the haze of parenting two young children, our older child’s screen time (especially on weekends) slowly and insidiously started creeping up.

As parents of older kids have often told us, little kid, little problem; big kid, bigger problem. That has definitely been true for us with screen time. As our older child got older, the negative impact of screen time on their behavior became more and more obvious. On days when they spent time watching TV or playing video games, we noticed that they were much more emotionally dysregulated and more likely to throw tantrums and lash out at other people. The effect was also apparent in school, especially with how they related to their friends. Initially, we would remove screen-time privileges as a consequence for bad behavior. If we were able to keep our children off screens for a few days, their ability to emotionally regulate and play creatively improved. However, after the consequences were removed and screens were introduced again, they often slid back into old patterns of behavior, and we repeated the cycle.

This spring, we decided that enough is enough and tried to make the default mode for our family no screen time for TV and non-social games. Instead, we made it a point to spend more time outside and go on family adventures. We go on long hikes and play in streams. We explore different playgrounds and try new activities, such as tennis, as a family. The first few weeks were hard, and the kids frequently asked to watch TV, but soon we all realized that we have more fun and are happier as a family when we spend more time outside, doing, instead of looking at a screen. We also find that our kids are just generally more emotionally regulated.

It is very tempting, reading our story, to conclude that screens and technology are bad for families. However, I think it is necessary for us to distinguish between the kind of screen use we are seeking to reduce and the kind we are still using. What we try to limit is passive screen consumption (such as watching videos and shows), and screen use that is addictive and removes human interaction (many, though not all, games). We are still using technology extensively in other aspects of our lives. We use our phone cameras to take pictures, we use apps to help us find interesting hikes and identify plants and insects, we use social media to learn about new playgrounds that we could visit, and we use maps to figure out where the closest ice cream shop is. We are using technology in a way that complements our family life instead of replacing it.

We are still technology enthusiasts. But now we are more aware of how technology can be harmful to children and families, especially with the way many apps and devices are designed these days - to capture your attention and keep you coming back for more. We believe that there are better ways to design apps and technologies that serve us. Technologies that enhance our lives and inspire us, but quietly fade into the background.