We don't want you to be afraid of technology

One evening, after getting my oldest child to turn off the TV after they had watched an episode of their favorite show, they grumbled and asked “Why do you and dad get to be on your devices all the time, when you tell us that it is bad for us?” In the moment, my immediate response to them was “it is because we use our devices for work” and to remind them that they had promised not to make a fuss when it is time to turn the TV off. They begrudgingly accepted the answer and went upstairs to get ready for bed. Phew, I thought to myself, glad to have averted a long, drawn-out argument with my oldest child, who we have frequently been told would make a great lawyer. I was especially glad that they did not call me out on my lie of omission. We all know that it is not true that my spouse and I only use our devices for work. We have certainly spent our fair share of time on our devices on non-work activities, including doom-scrolling and watching endless clips of random comedians.

That evening, as I was driving home by myself from an errand, I started reflecting on my response to my child’s question, and why I didn’t take the opportunity to have a deeper conversation with my child about why we limit their screen time. Now that they are older, I think it is time I start having more genuine, nuanced conversations with them about our relationship with screens and technologies. Here is what I should have said:

Screens are everywhere, we cannot shield you from them forever, nor would we try to shield you from them. You are going to encounter screens everywhere you go: in schools, in the workplace, and even in places as mundane as the grocery store. You are going to make friends with and interact with people with all sorts of different relationships with screens. If we shield you from screens by banning them, we would lose the opportunity to teach you how to have a healthy relationship with screens and technology.

We set limits on your screen and technology usage because your brain is still developing. Excessive screen time in childhood has been linked to significant differences in brain development. As you get older and your peers start using social media, I want you to know that social media can have a significant negative impact on the mental well-being of teenagers. So much growth and change happens during your childhood and teenage years, and we believe that the best thing we can do as parents is to set limits on your screen time and technology usage to give you the best chance to grow up to be healthy physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally. We promise that as you get older and more mature, we will work with you and adjust our limits on screen time and technology.

We hope that with time, you will develop the knowledge to recognize how technologies can manipulate you and steal your attention, and have the maturity to self-regulate your usage of technology. We want you to know that we use screens and technologies for both work and non-work purposes, and even as grown-ups we occasionally struggle with regulating our own use of technology. Having a healthy relationship with technology is a continuous learning process for us, and we want to be able to share our own journey with you, so that you will be comfortable sharing your own journey with us.

Finally, we want you to know that technology and screens themselves are not the enemy. You will encounter new technologies in your lifetime, technologies that are likely beyond our current imagination. We don’t want you to be afraid of new technology. If you approach technology and screens with your eyes wide open, with an understanding of the power of technology, both as a force for positive change and as a tool that can be used by people to manipulate, you give yourself the best chance of having a healthy, positive relationship with technology. As parents, we see it as our job to prepare you to be able to do that.